It's Sunday night and I feel like I didn't rest at all. It's been a really rough weekend. My plans had been to be holed up in my office for most of the weekend to practice material for my two auditions this Tuesday and Wednesday for some cover bands. Unfortunately, things didn't turn out that way and I end this weekend a bit more stressed than when I entered it.
On Friday night, Iowa started exhibiting some discomfort that quickly escalated to apparent extreme pain. She was pacing, drooling, and couldn't lay down without screaming in pain. In finally getting her to lay down and let me touch her, it turned out that her stomach was hard and distended. I called Christy and asked her to come home (she was on a girls' night out) as I could see we had a problem. About 15 minutes later, Christy arrived, and we gathered Iowa up and took her to the emergency vet. There, my worst fears were realized; Iowa had developed Canine Bloat (also known as GDV); a condition in which the dog's stomach twists and is almost always fatal if not treated quickly. Christy and I decided to go through with the surgery, knowing that if the damage were bad enough already, there would be nothing that could be done to save Iowa. We left her there and tried to rest at home to no avail. At 1 AM, I call the vet to get an update. She was still in surgery with Iowa and I was told that the damage not severe and the vet was proceeding with treatment; a hopeful sign. At 3 AM, I got a call from the vet. Because we reacted so quickly, there was, miraculously, no damage to Iowa's stomach when the surgeon turned her stomach back over into the right place. It did however, cut off blood flow to her spleen which resulted in that organ being removed. After a couple of very nervous days waiting, Iowa improved to where she could come home, and I brought her home earlier this evening. So long as she continues to eat and potty, and stays infection free, she is expected to make a full recovery. A miraculous thing and I'm grateful to God for sparing her.
In the midst of all of this, I had my final show with the current TWP lineup, and I was going into it with a lot of mixed emotions. I was sad because I've journeyed with Bill, Brian, and Steve since before TWP was founded. However, I was also a bit relieved as I knew this was the best way for everyone to move forward in the directions they wanted with regard to types of music to play, the frequency that we do shows, and being able to pursue some of the other musical opportunities that have come our way as individuals. It was an outdoor gig in hot, humid conditions. But once the sun went down, we kicked off the set and had a great time! It was a great thing to be able to go out on a high note. But between the show and Iowa's medical issues, I've not had much chance to rehearse. I know have one night to pull everything together.
With that, I'm going to try to get Iowa to go potty one more time then call it a night early.
Peace.
Sunday, June 03, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Transition
I have to say, the air conditioning didn't get installed a moment too soon! At times the heat index was up to 100, and without the A/C I would have had to wave the white flag and actually work from the office. I have not been in the office in 8 weeks, and would like to just keep it that way for the foreseeable future.
So now that the decision has been made to disband the current lineup of TWP, there is the potential for a lot to happen in a short time in the transitional period. Saturday will be the final show with Bill, Brian, and Steve, and which point I'll hand over the PA equipment that's been stored in the studio and we'll head our separate ways until I can set up a time to have a thank you BBQ for the guys. In addition, I have to spend the next few evenings practicing intensely for two auditions that take place on Tuesday and Wednesday of next week. I'm not too stressed about the Tuesday one as the band focuses on classic rock covers and they do many of the tunes we do with TWP. That one should be OK so long as my voice holds up. Now the one on Wednesday though is a different story. That is a full on show/dance band that plays a LOT. I'd really like to get this gig. The keyboardist is our former TWP keyboardist Harold Shepard, Brian's brother in law. Once I get these auditions completed (and I may yet have one more), I will need to dive back into writing as well as getting my songs under my fingers from a keyboard perspective so I can start hitting the open mic scene. Additionally, Seth and his new girlfriend (whom I happened to meet last time he was here....long strange story on how they met) will be in town the second weekend of June to catch Roger Clyne but also to scope out Dallas. Sethy's been considering a move to Dallas for a while, and this trip is going to be to do some scouting (fingers crossed).
I also have to be a bit more alert to what is going on with work; not from job quality on my end, but rather the busyness or lack thereof. The possibility of layoff has reared its ugly head again, and at some point I may need to make the decision to either jump or wait to be pushed. Despite all its challenges, the one good thing about project management is that there has always been work, which leads to job security. The pipeline has dwindled to a trickle over the last year and that concerns me.
But for now, it's time to de-stimulate a bit then head for bed. Rest will provide a fresher perspective tomorrow.
Peace.
So now that the decision has been made to disband the current lineup of TWP, there is the potential for a lot to happen in a short time in the transitional period. Saturday will be the final show with Bill, Brian, and Steve, and which point I'll hand over the PA equipment that's been stored in the studio and we'll head our separate ways until I can set up a time to have a thank you BBQ for the guys. In addition, I have to spend the next few evenings practicing intensely for two auditions that take place on Tuesday and Wednesday of next week. I'm not too stressed about the Tuesday one as the band focuses on classic rock covers and they do many of the tunes we do with TWP. That one should be OK so long as my voice holds up. Now the one on Wednesday though is a different story. That is a full on show/dance band that plays a LOT. I'd really like to get this gig. The keyboardist is our former TWP keyboardist Harold Shepard, Brian's brother in law. Once I get these auditions completed (and I may yet have one more), I will need to dive back into writing as well as getting my songs under my fingers from a keyboard perspective so I can start hitting the open mic scene. Additionally, Seth and his new girlfriend (whom I happened to meet last time he was here....long strange story on how they met) will be in town the second weekend of June to catch Roger Clyne but also to scope out Dallas. Sethy's been considering a move to Dallas for a while, and this trip is going to be to do some scouting (fingers crossed).
I also have to be a bit more alert to what is going on with work; not from job quality on my end, but rather the busyness or lack thereof. The possibility of layoff has reared its ugly head again, and at some point I may need to make the decision to either jump or wait to be pushed. Despite all its challenges, the one good thing about project management is that there has always been work, which leads to job security. The pipeline has dwindled to a trickle over the last year and that concerns me.
But for now, it's time to de-stimulate a bit then head for bed. Rest will provide a fresher perspective tomorrow.
Peace.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Page Turn
It's absolutely glorious in my office today. On Friday, I was finally able to put air conditioning in and the space feels amazing! What this now means is that I can begin setting up shop in here, which means our second bedroom, which has functioned as a storage space for the first 3 months in our place is going to start emptying out. I am, admittedly, quite stoked about finally setting up the man cave to be fully utilized as my office / studio / rehearsal space in such a way that for the first time since moving back to Dallas, I can do my thing without disrupting Christy's office.
Before I get into the main topic for today's post, I thought that since it is approaching the halfway mark of 2012, I'd update everyone on the status of my New Year's resolutions:
OK...random stuff over. Time to move on to the actual topic.
By this time next week, I'll be turning a page in my life. Nothing dramatic, no gravitas; just moving from one phase to another. A couple posts back, I mentioned that I had "the feeling" that I have had before just before making a firm decision on ending something near and dear to me in order to pursue the new things that God is laying out. It's about understanding that there comes a time to leave the comfort zone, and when that time comes, the decision has to be swift and firm to ensure that I stay on the right track. In this case, "the feeling" was regarding the future of my band The Weekend Project; which on Thursday made the decision to wrap things up with the current lineup after our last show next weekend. Not a decision that I made lightly; it's been something that has been prayerfully and thoughtfully considered for several weeks and it was only during this past week that I KNEW that it was the direction that I needed to take; not only for me, but for the other 3 guys.
Since January, I've had to come to the realization that I need to get back into the "play for pay" pool when it comes to music. If you've read this blog, you know that recently, Christy has had some unexpected health issues that have limited her ability to work for the first half of this year. We're admittedly in catch up mode, and to be able to get out of that as quickly as possible, I needed to play paying weekend gigs as much as possible. Since TWP has been more about playing for enjoyment, entertaining crowds, and helping businesses get started up, we do maybe one or two paying gigs a year and that money goes toward funding the website and other sorts of things. The guys have been adamant that they only wanted to play once or twice a month at most. I respect their wishes, and so the goal had been to find one or two other part time groups that I could piece together around TWP shows to be able to make money but still keep the band together.
Last Sunday, Bill contacted me to let me know that the guys wanted to have a meeting before our scheduled rehearsal to talk about "direction and goals" for the band. Given the changes that have been going on in all our lives, and with the other guys also having other opportunities available, I agreed that it was a good time to have this conversation, though I had a gut feeling about where the conversation was going to go and what I was going to need to do (hence "the feeling" I had). This past Thursday, we sat on my front patio, tipped a couple of Shiners, and had a chat. The upshot was:
Part of my new thing is that I'm auditioning for a few bands over the next couple of weeks for paying gigs. Don't know whether I'll be playing in one or multiple bands. Depends on who asks me to be a part of their lineup and how often they play. Additionally, I'm going to be working toward developing a new lineup for The Weekend Project over the rest of the year. I envision this lineup as being smaller, focused on smaller venues, rooted in creating/performing original material, and a bit more experimental. I'm also going to be focusing more on laying the groundwork for Lownote Music, which is my dream of providing resources to emerging indie artists via a non-profit foundation.
So I'm turning a page. I'm thankful for being able to play with Bill, Brian, and Steve all these years, but I'm really stoked about (to quote Zooey Deschanel) "dipping my toes in the pool of possibilities".
Peace.
Before I get into the main topic for today's post, I thought that since it is approaching the halfway mark of 2012, I'd update everyone on the status of my New Year's resolutions:
- Storm Spotter Training - CHECK
- Move Into A House - CHECK
- Read 30 Books - I am on my 20th right now. Barring any complications, I should be able to pound out 10 books in 6 months.
- Sell Out First Run of CD - This has not gone as well as I'd like by this point. However, the events that I'm going to share in a moment may help push that along.
- Find New Church Home - Haven't even started. To be honest, I'm not sure that Christy and I are even going to try. We have become firmly ensconced in that category of people that love Jesus but not the church. I'm not even sure that I want to fool with the relational dynamics that come from dealing with most American churches as a whole. In some ways, I think I'm just standing by and waiting for God to raise up the next wave of churches that will be more aligned to His will than the current crop (NOTE: this is a broad brush statement; not a shot at any specific community).
OK...random stuff over. Time to move on to the actual topic.
By this time next week, I'll be turning a page in my life. Nothing dramatic, no gravitas; just moving from one phase to another. A couple posts back, I mentioned that I had "the feeling" that I have had before just before making a firm decision on ending something near and dear to me in order to pursue the new things that God is laying out. It's about understanding that there comes a time to leave the comfort zone, and when that time comes, the decision has to be swift and firm to ensure that I stay on the right track. In this case, "the feeling" was regarding the future of my band The Weekend Project; which on Thursday made the decision to wrap things up with the current lineup after our last show next weekend. Not a decision that I made lightly; it's been something that has been prayerfully and thoughtfully considered for several weeks and it was only during this past week that I KNEW that it was the direction that I needed to take; not only for me, but for the other 3 guys.
Since January, I've had to come to the realization that I need to get back into the "play for pay" pool when it comes to music. If you've read this blog, you know that recently, Christy has had some unexpected health issues that have limited her ability to work for the first half of this year. We're admittedly in catch up mode, and to be able to get out of that as quickly as possible, I needed to play paying weekend gigs as much as possible. Since TWP has been more about playing for enjoyment, entertaining crowds, and helping businesses get started up, we do maybe one or two paying gigs a year and that money goes toward funding the website and other sorts of things. The guys have been adamant that they only wanted to play once or twice a month at most. I respect their wishes, and so the goal had been to find one or two other part time groups that I could piece together around TWP shows to be able to make money but still keep the band together.
Last Sunday, Bill contacted me to let me know that the guys wanted to have a meeting before our scheduled rehearsal to talk about "direction and goals" for the band. Given the changes that have been going on in all our lives, and with the other guys also having other opportunities available, I agreed that it was a good time to have this conversation, though I had a gut feeling about where the conversation was going to go and what I was going to need to do (hence "the feeling" I had). This past Thursday, we sat on my front patio, tipped a couple of Shiners, and had a chat. The upshot was:
- None of us were really having fun anymore, and hadn't for several months.
- We had differences in expectations about repertoire, types of venues, how much time to put into rehearsal, and so on.
- We all have other opportunities arising via playing with other musicians, sound engineering, originals sets, and so on, that coordinating schedules was going to be increasingly more difficult.
Part of my new thing is that I'm auditioning for a few bands over the next couple of weeks for paying gigs. Don't know whether I'll be playing in one or multiple bands. Depends on who asks me to be a part of their lineup and how often they play. Additionally, I'm going to be working toward developing a new lineup for The Weekend Project over the rest of the year. I envision this lineup as being smaller, focused on smaller venues, rooted in creating/performing original material, and a bit more experimental. I'm also going to be focusing more on laying the groundwork for Lownote Music, which is my dream of providing resources to emerging indie artists via a non-profit foundation.
So I'm turning a page. I'm thankful for being able to play with Bill, Brian, and Steve all these years, but I'm really stoked about (to quote Zooey Deschanel) "dipping my toes in the pool of possibilities".
Peace.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Birthdays and Anniversaries
In my family, birthdays, anniversaries, and other celebratory dates fall in clusters. This month, I have my nephew's birthday (5/11), my late dad's birthday (5/21), my anniversary (5/22), Jessa's birthday (also 5/22), not to mention Mothers' Day and Memorial Day. The birthdays and anniversaries are more important to me than the holidays. It's the same in February, where the birthdays of Sethy, my sister-in-law Jana, my niece and myself are all clustered along with Valentine's Day. Again the birthday's are far more important than the holiday.
In my life BMD (before Mom's death), outside of immediate family birthdays, the holidays were far more important to me. In particular, I looked forward to and loved the "Big Five" of Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Halloween, and Independence Day. In the days AMD (after Mom's death), these holidays have been increasingly marginalized in my life. In origin it was because my family was now incomplete and dispersed; there were no more memories to make, and I think that is still a core of my disdain to this day even though I'm married. But as I grew older, and mass marketing and commercialism increased I saw these holidays that I grew to love transform from times of remembering, thanking, and just having fun with family to big money making ventures for Corporate America. No need to remember either the birth or death of Jesus when you can use these as excuses to buy all the things you want, but can't really afford. No need to give thanks to God for His blessings until you've blessed yourself with that shiny new toy. God Bless America! Buy fireworks, have large picnics, buy all sorts of camping gear, and don't forget to hit those special July 4th sales. And Halloween....well....let's just not even go there. These holidays have been shorn of meaning to me and no longer hold a special place in my life. The birthdays and anniversaries however, THOSE have meaning to me. THOSE have a special place. THOSE are important. Even the less pleasant days of note, like the anniversaries of my mom and dad's passings are of more note to me than most holidays.
Holidays are only holidays if they retain their core meanings. Once that's gone, they're nothing more than a paid day off. And if I'm going to have a paid day off, I'd like businesses to be open to see a movie, have lunch with my wife, plan out a nursery. THOSE are important.
Peace.
In my life BMD (before Mom's death), outside of immediate family birthdays, the holidays were far more important to me. In particular, I looked forward to and loved the "Big Five" of Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Halloween, and Independence Day. In the days AMD (after Mom's death), these holidays have been increasingly marginalized in my life. In origin it was because my family was now incomplete and dispersed; there were no more memories to make, and I think that is still a core of my disdain to this day even though I'm married. But as I grew older, and mass marketing and commercialism increased I saw these holidays that I grew to love transform from times of remembering, thanking, and just having fun with family to big money making ventures for Corporate America. No need to remember either the birth or death of Jesus when you can use these as excuses to buy all the things you want, but can't really afford. No need to give thanks to God for His blessings until you've blessed yourself with that shiny new toy. God Bless America! Buy fireworks, have large picnics, buy all sorts of camping gear, and don't forget to hit those special July 4th sales. And Halloween....well....let's just not even go there. These holidays have been shorn of meaning to me and no longer hold a special place in my life. The birthdays and anniversaries however, THOSE have meaning to me. THOSE have a special place. THOSE are important. Even the less pleasant days of note, like the anniversaries of my mom and dad's passings are of more note to me than most holidays.
Holidays are only holidays if they retain their core meanings. Once that's gone, they're nothing more than a paid day off. And if I'm going to have a paid day off, I'd like businesses to be open to see a movie, have lunch with my wife, plan out a nursery. THOSE are important.
Peace.
Monday, May 21, 2012
"The Feeling"
For a month prior to my actually shutting down Sanctuary in early 2007, I had a sense of foreboding. So when the moment came for a decision to be made, there was no hesitation. I knew that Sanctuary had run its course, and the time to close it down was upon me. This was confirmed when I talked to Christy about it and she immediately agreed. To those observing, it might have seemed abrupt; I know it did to those who were part of the group (and I'm sorry for that). But in reality it was a very carefully and prayerfully considered decision.
I had a similar feeling when I was laid off from my job later that same year. As I drove home, I knew that it was time to leave Ohio. Again, it might have seemed to those observing that it was as if a switch had been tripped in me, but not so. Again, I had a sense of foreboding, and a sense of willingness to leave Ohio that I'd not had before for several weeks before.
Over the last few months, probably as far back as January, but definitely as far back as early March, I've been having "the feeling" again about another area of my life that I suspect will be coming to an end here in a few days. No, I do not mean my marriage (which coincidentally celebrates its 8th anniversary tomorrow). It's something else near and dear to my heart, which for some people will seem abrupt, but again, it's a decision that has been carefully and prayerfully considered over the past weeks. Since other people are involved and I haven't spoken to them, I'll hold off on making any prononcements on specifics.
What I can say that in each case, I moved from a place of disentrenchment and disorientation to a place of new growth. I anticipate the same will occur this time. But again, much to think about.
Peace.
I had a similar feeling when I was laid off from my job later that same year. As I drove home, I knew that it was time to leave Ohio. Again, it might have seemed to those observing that it was as if a switch had been tripped in me, but not so. Again, I had a sense of foreboding, and a sense of willingness to leave Ohio that I'd not had before for several weeks before.
Over the last few months, probably as far back as January, but definitely as far back as early March, I've been having "the feeling" again about another area of my life that I suspect will be coming to an end here in a few days. No, I do not mean my marriage (which coincidentally celebrates its 8th anniversary tomorrow). It's something else near and dear to my heart, which for some people will seem abrupt, but again, it's a decision that has been carefully and prayerfully considered over the past weeks. Since other people are involved and I haven't spoken to them, I'll hold off on making any prononcements on specifics.
What I can say that in each case, I moved from a place of disentrenchment and disorientation to a place of new growth. I anticipate the same will occur this time. But again, much to think about.
Peace.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Finding Purpose
When Christy and I made the decision to shut down Sanctuary, our church plant in Ohio, 5 years ago, I struggled mightily. My struggle was not with the idea of "failing", but rather I felt bereft of purpose. During the time I was leading Sanctuary, I felt that for the first time, I was in a "sweet spot"; I had found purpose for my life and was resting in it. With its closure that "sweet spot" was removed, and for about a year, I really struggled with finding the new purpose, the new dream.
Things started to become more clear when we started up The Weekend Project in 2008. The more we played, the more I realized that I needed to re-embrace my musician roots. It seemed clear to me that my future purpose lay in honoring God through music, but not as a worship leader. As I moved into 2010 and began to lay the foundation for what would eventually become The Things I Should Have Said, I began to make connections with the indie music community in Dallas. I realized that there is so much talent that the major labels miss out on because it doesn't fit the paradigm; talent that needs to be heard by a bigger audience, but doesn't have the resources necessary to record a CD, book shows, market merchandise, develop a social media presence, and the like. I know how hard it was for me to get my CD done, and I had the benefit of some great help. Not everyone has that. Because of this, I have begun to sense that my way of honoring God, my new purpose, is to be a supporter of the indie music scene in DFW, and to somehow be a provider of resources for emerging indie artists.
The resulting resource, which I call Lownote Music (as a tip of the hat to my bass playing), which will be a multi-stage implementation; the first part of which is creating a studio in my office that will be budget friendly, and even FREE for emerging artists in DFW. I'm trying my hand at raising money through IndieGoGo and would welcome your support. The campaign site is www.indiegogo.com/lownotemusic. In the meantime, if you're interested in more information about Phase 1 of Lownote Music, here's a short video on the project.
Peace!
Things started to become more clear when we started up The Weekend Project in 2008. The more we played, the more I realized that I needed to re-embrace my musician roots. It seemed clear to me that my future purpose lay in honoring God through music, but not as a worship leader. As I moved into 2010 and began to lay the foundation for what would eventually become The Things I Should Have Said, I began to make connections with the indie music community in Dallas. I realized that there is so much talent that the major labels miss out on because it doesn't fit the paradigm; talent that needs to be heard by a bigger audience, but doesn't have the resources necessary to record a CD, book shows, market merchandise, develop a social media presence, and the like. I know how hard it was for me to get my CD done, and I had the benefit of some great help. Not everyone has that. Because of this, I have begun to sense that my way of honoring God, my new purpose, is to be a supporter of the indie music scene in DFW, and to somehow be a provider of resources for emerging indie artists.
The resulting resource, which I call Lownote Music (as a tip of the hat to my bass playing), which will be a multi-stage implementation; the first part of which is creating a studio in my office that will be budget friendly, and even FREE for emerging artists in DFW. I'm trying my hand at raising money through IndieGoGo and would welcome your support. The campaign site is www.indiegogo.com/lownotemusic. In the meantime, if you're interested in more information about Phase 1 of Lownote Music, here's a short video on the project.
Peace!
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Mothers' Day and Christmas
Mothers' Day is not one of my favorite holidays. Sure, I make sure that I call my mother-in-law and make sure she's doing well and wish her a happy day, but it's not a holiday I get excited about, and likely won't until we have kids of our own...if ever.
This August will mark the 25th anniversary of my mother's passing. Over the years, I've made it a point not to talk much about this, if at all. Christy doesn't even know the whole story of Mom's passing; the pain, the sickening feeling I had when I had to tell Walt, the vision I had of Mom at the moment of her passing, telling me she was gone. Likewise, Walt has not been one to speak of it; he was only 15 at the time. At least, he hasn't spoken of it until now. For this Mothers' Day, Walt decided to write a song and create a video in memory of Mom. Watching images float by of Mom in her youth ripped a festering wound that was long closed, or at least, long ignored. The full weight of the emotion generated by her loss caused me to collapse to my knees. But as difficult as looking at the images was for me, even worse was listening to the lyrics. For his subject matter, Walt chose to write about the first Christmas without her: Christmas 1987. As some of you may know, the title track of my recent CD, The Things I Should Have Said was centered around the night Mom passed. But as painful as it was for me to write and perform that song, it was nothing compared to recalling that first Christmas.
I remember it well. Mom passed just before the Fall Semester of my 3rd year at NMSU, and since that was the case, I made the decision to go ahead and return to school. Due to the requirements of the University, I had to be there by a certain date to get housing. And so it was on the very day Mom was buried, I was present for the funeral and the wake. Later that evening, I made the two hour drive to Las Cruces and got there just in time to get housing. During that semester, I tried to make it home as much as possible on the weekends, but being in marchng band, that just wasn't as often enough, and as a result Dad and Walt had to make it thorugh the best they could. I also was playing as many gigs as I could in order to supplement the income and take some burden off of Dad, who had just taken a medical retirement a couple of years before Mom passed. The last of these for the Fall Semester was to take a gig with my brass quintet for a two masses at a church in El Paso, TX, another hour out from Las Cruces on Christmas Eve. I had left at noon that day to go to El Paso with the intent of driving straight back after I finished the second mass. It was only a three hour drive, and being young, making that sort of a drive was no big deal. And honestly, taking the gig made it a little easier not to focus on it being the first Christmas without Mom.
The day went well enough. My friend Rachel invited me to her house for Christmas Eve dinner (she was also playing in the quintet). We did the second mass, I collected my money, loaded the car and started for home. It was a little chillier than normal when I left El Paso. There had been some mention of possibly a light dusting of snow overnight, but nothing big (rarely do we have a white Christmas in that part of the country). So off I went. By the time I made it to Las Cruces an hour later, a very light snow (with abnormally big flakes) was falling. I also realized that I was a bit more tired than I thought, so I stopped at a convenience store just off the highway and picked up some Vivarin and some Jolt Cola. Jolt is not made anymore so let me explain it. It was a cola with twice the sugar and twice the caffiene of a normal cola, specifically designed to keep one going (essentially the Monster or the Red Bull of the day). Combining that with the concentrated caffiene if Vivarin, there was no chance I was falling asleep at the wheel. I slammed down three Vivarin, washed them down with a Jolt Cola, and resumed my trip.
Las Cruces sits in the Mesilla Valley; a valley in which the Rio Grande runs down from the north and makes its turn southeast to become the southern border of TX (and the US). It sits between the mountains of New Mexico where my hometown sits, and the Organ Mountains which separate Las Cruces from Alamogordo. The drive out of Las Cruces toward Silver City involves a reasonably short, but pretty steep climb out of the valley, about 10 miles or so, and about 1000 feet in elevation (my hometown sits another 1000 feet above that). So it was that found myself moving from very light snow to significant snow, with accumulation in the space of about 20 minutes and 1000 feet of elevation. There were very few cars on the road at 2 AM, but there were enough to keep the highway clear, at least until I reached Deming, which is the halfway mark between Las Cruces and Silver City. By this point, the snow was falling so heavily that I pulled over at a closed convenience store and pondered my options: try to get a hotel room and wait it out, TRY to sleep in the car and try in the morning, or just to keep going. At this point it was 3 AM and I doubted that there were any night desks open on Christmas Morning. I didn't like the option of staying in the car as the snow was increasing, so I made the decision to go on. I pulled onto the highway running north to Silver City, which was covered in a couple inches of snow and growing. I knew I couldn't stay on the highway itself, so I drove on the shoulder, which was textured and provided much better traction, at 30 MPH in order to make it home. I had plenty of gas, so I wasn't worried about it. I saw only 1 car the rest of the drive, which due to my reduced speed took twice as long to make. By the time I reached the outskirts of Silver City at 4:45 AM Christmas Day, I noticed that the outbound lanes were blocked with flares and cones; I had been driving on a closed highway without even knowing!
I walked into the house at 5 AM. Dad and Walt had been up all night waiting for me knowing that I would likely have not known how bad the snow was. Feeling convinced that I was OK, Dad and Walt went to bed and slept for a few hours. I tried, but there was no sleep coming to me after the caffiene bomb I had inbibed earlier that night. So I tried to lull myself to sleep by doing the one thing I had always done at this time of year. I sat in the rocking chair and looked at the shifting Christmas lights on our tree. However, sleep didn't come; not only due to the caffienation, but also the awful weight of knowing that SHE was not there. Mom was sleeping in a snow covered grave on the other side of town. If anything, the lights mocked me. Since then, I've never run the lights on the Christmas Tree overnight. Christy and I have only put up a tree a couple of times in our marriage, and I've been OK with that. The next day, Dad really tried to make it work. He even played the cassette of Elvis Presley's Christmas Album, Mom's favorite music, which she played all day, every Christmas Day since I was a small child. But instead of bringing as sense of calm, it simply magnified our loss.
After that Christmas, I always tried to be someplace else on the holidays; booked with a show, out of town, something. Dad remarried a few months later and I made a couple of tries to go home for Christmas, but it just didn't work. Outside of those two attempts, I never went home for the holidays again. I was always with someone else, and if no one else was around, I spent Christmas alone. Alone was better than empty. Being alone in my adult home was far better than feeling empty in my childhood home. It was for the better anyway; Walt graduated two years later and was off in the Navy and Dad was immersed in his new marriage, so it was never going to be the same. To this very day, I have a difficult time having a "family Christmas"; I much prefer it when it's me and Christy with a close friend or two. Since being married, we've spent Christmas with her family twice; and though I love them dearly, it has been a struggle to immerse in the family experience again after so long. In fact, the one thing that has made Christmas special again is that I proposed to Christy the day after Christmas. I think Mom would approve of my bringing love back into that holiday again.
OK, I've rambled enough. It's time for me to wrap up a couple of items and call it a night.
Peace.
This August will mark the 25th anniversary of my mother's passing. Over the years, I've made it a point not to talk much about this, if at all. Christy doesn't even know the whole story of Mom's passing; the pain, the sickening feeling I had when I had to tell Walt, the vision I had of Mom at the moment of her passing, telling me she was gone. Likewise, Walt has not been one to speak of it; he was only 15 at the time. At least, he hasn't spoken of it until now. For this Mothers' Day, Walt decided to write a song and create a video in memory of Mom. Watching images float by of Mom in her youth ripped a festering wound that was long closed, or at least, long ignored. The full weight of the emotion generated by her loss caused me to collapse to my knees. But as difficult as looking at the images was for me, even worse was listening to the lyrics. For his subject matter, Walt chose to write about the first Christmas without her: Christmas 1987. As some of you may know, the title track of my recent CD, The Things I Should Have Said was centered around the night Mom passed. But as painful as it was for me to write and perform that song, it was nothing compared to recalling that first Christmas.
I remember it well. Mom passed just before the Fall Semester of my 3rd year at NMSU, and since that was the case, I made the decision to go ahead and return to school. Due to the requirements of the University, I had to be there by a certain date to get housing. And so it was on the very day Mom was buried, I was present for the funeral and the wake. Later that evening, I made the two hour drive to Las Cruces and got there just in time to get housing. During that semester, I tried to make it home as much as possible on the weekends, but being in marchng band, that just wasn't as often enough, and as a result Dad and Walt had to make it thorugh the best they could. I also was playing as many gigs as I could in order to supplement the income and take some burden off of Dad, who had just taken a medical retirement a couple of years before Mom passed. The last of these for the Fall Semester was to take a gig with my brass quintet for a two masses at a church in El Paso, TX, another hour out from Las Cruces on Christmas Eve. I had left at noon that day to go to El Paso with the intent of driving straight back after I finished the second mass. It was only a three hour drive, and being young, making that sort of a drive was no big deal. And honestly, taking the gig made it a little easier not to focus on it being the first Christmas without Mom.
The day went well enough. My friend Rachel invited me to her house for Christmas Eve dinner (she was also playing in the quintet). We did the second mass, I collected my money, loaded the car and started for home. It was a little chillier than normal when I left El Paso. There had been some mention of possibly a light dusting of snow overnight, but nothing big (rarely do we have a white Christmas in that part of the country). So off I went. By the time I made it to Las Cruces an hour later, a very light snow (with abnormally big flakes) was falling. I also realized that I was a bit more tired than I thought, so I stopped at a convenience store just off the highway and picked up some Vivarin and some Jolt Cola. Jolt is not made anymore so let me explain it. It was a cola with twice the sugar and twice the caffiene of a normal cola, specifically designed to keep one going (essentially the Monster or the Red Bull of the day). Combining that with the concentrated caffiene if Vivarin, there was no chance I was falling asleep at the wheel. I slammed down three Vivarin, washed them down with a Jolt Cola, and resumed my trip.
Las Cruces sits in the Mesilla Valley; a valley in which the Rio Grande runs down from the north and makes its turn southeast to become the southern border of TX (and the US). It sits between the mountains of New Mexico where my hometown sits, and the Organ Mountains which separate Las Cruces from Alamogordo. The drive out of Las Cruces toward Silver City involves a reasonably short, but pretty steep climb out of the valley, about 10 miles or so, and about 1000 feet in elevation (my hometown sits another 1000 feet above that). So it was that found myself moving from very light snow to significant snow, with accumulation in the space of about 20 minutes and 1000 feet of elevation. There were very few cars on the road at 2 AM, but there were enough to keep the highway clear, at least until I reached Deming, which is the halfway mark between Las Cruces and Silver City. By this point, the snow was falling so heavily that I pulled over at a closed convenience store and pondered my options: try to get a hotel room and wait it out, TRY to sleep in the car and try in the morning, or just to keep going. At this point it was 3 AM and I doubted that there were any night desks open on Christmas Morning. I didn't like the option of staying in the car as the snow was increasing, so I made the decision to go on. I pulled onto the highway running north to Silver City, which was covered in a couple inches of snow and growing. I knew I couldn't stay on the highway itself, so I drove on the shoulder, which was textured and provided much better traction, at 30 MPH in order to make it home. I had plenty of gas, so I wasn't worried about it. I saw only 1 car the rest of the drive, which due to my reduced speed took twice as long to make. By the time I reached the outskirts of Silver City at 4:45 AM Christmas Day, I noticed that the outbound lanes were blocked with flares and cones; I had been driving on a closed highway without even knowing!
I walked into the house at 5 AM. Dad and Walt had been up all night waiting for me knowing that I would likely have not known how bad the snow was. Feeling convinced that I was OK, Dad and Walt went to bed and slept for a few hours. I tried, but there was no sleep coming to me after the caffiene bomb I had inbibed earlier that night. So I tried to lull myself to sleep by doing the one thing I had always done at this time of year. I sat in the rocking chair and looked at the shifting Christmas lights on our tree. However, sleep didn't come; not only due to the caffienation, but also the awful weight of knowing that SHE was not there. Mom was sleeping in a snow covered grave on the other side of town. If anything, the lights mocked me. Since then, I've never run the lights on the Christmas Tree overnight. Christy and I have only put up a tree a couple of times in our marriage, and I've been OK with that. The next day, Dad really tried to make it work. He even played the cassette of Elvis Presley's Christmas Album, Mom's favorite music, which she played all day, every Christmas Day since I was a small child. But instead of bringing as sense of calm, it simply magnified our loss.
After that Christmas, I always tried to be someplace else on the holidays; booked with a show, out of town, something. Dad remarried a few months later and I made a couple of tries to go home for Christmas, but it just didn't work. Outside of those two attempts, I never went home for the holidays again. I was always with someone else, and if no one else was around, I spent Christmas alone. Alone was better than empty. Being alone in my adult home was far better than feeling empty in my childhood home. It was for the better anyway; Walt graduated two years later and was off in the Navy and Dad was immersed in his new marriage, so it was never going to be the same. To this very day, I have a difficult time having a "family Christmas"; I much prefer it when it's me and Christy with a close friend or two. Since being married, we've spent Christmas with her family twice; and though I love them dearly, it has been a struggle to immerse in the family experience again after so long. In fact, the one thing that has made Christmas special again is that I proposed to Christy the day after Christmas. I think Mom would approve of my bringing love back into that holiday again.
OK, I've rambled enough. It's time for me to wrap up a couple of items and call it a night.
Peace.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)